
Some members of my team.
I was taking photos for a tournament that my soccer team held at Bungeni stadium yesterday when I realized that I never blogged about one of the more ridiculous experiences I’ve had in South Africa: the first tournament we ever played. Settle in, folks, it’s a long and silly story, so I’m gonna throw in some pictures from today’s event (which went way better than the first tournament, so the pictures are much nicer too.)
Now, my team gets together several times a week to play soccer, but we’re not serious at all. So I was surprised when the team registered for a tournament around 8am one Saturday. Would I play? Sure, why not? I assumed we’d be back by 2pm. (Insert PCV laugh track.)
Saturday came. I wore my sports clothes: a casual t-shirt and sports bra, knee-length gym shorts, and old sneakers. Grabbed a water bottle and sunscreen and found a tree to wait under while my teammates arrived. Most of my teammates play in their long skirts and miceka, but I thought informality would be okay. We’d be playing soccer, not meeting with a chief. Little did I know.

Spectators and teams waiting for their turn to play.
One player showed up driving a minibus taxi. Where did she get it? A mystery. By 10am, we had plenty of little kids tagging along but we were short on players, so we drove to the cemetery and waited outside for some ladies who were attending a funeral. Because that’s what you do in South Africa. Everyone’s streaming around us in somber funeral clothes, we’re carrying plastic vuvuzelas.
Funeral over, team assembled, we drove off into the bushveld. I’m talking serious bushveld here: just pure wilderness in every direction. I had no idea where the hell we were going. This wouldn’t faze me, except that no one else seemed to know either. We got lost several times. I’m riding shotgun just looking around like: GUYS. WHERE ARE WE.
We eventually roll into this random field with two pavilions full of people dressed in their finest traditional Venda and Tsonga clothing. There’s a table set up for a fancy event. Gospel music is playing, and I assume we’ve stumbled upon a church service that will shortly end. Noooope. This is our destination. This is the soccer tournament.

My host brother, local soccer coach Nkhensani. (We have the same name. Causes a lot of confusion.)
Now, I’m pretty shy. During moments like this, I sometimes instinctively start looking for an exit. Like, is there some Deus Ex Machina that can just pluck me out of this impending clusterfuck? Because I am not prepared. I know a lot of people join Peace Corps hoping for interesting life experiences. FYI, the way this happens: you get thrown into some ridiculous situation and there’s literally nothing you can do except deal with it. My tip for replicating this in America: Go on craigslist. Request someone kidnap you and bring you to a bewildering foreign cultural event. Make sure not to bring a phone, money, or car. There you go. Life experiences!
So, I’m not feeling prepared for whatever this is, but lacking any alternative I get out of the taxi and greet as many people as possible. If I greet people, they’ll like me, and they’ll give me friendly stares instead of unfriendly stares. Some ladies danced around to welcome us. Okay, cool. But no one looked dressed for soccer. I feel super underdressed, so when we all go sit on some grass mats, I strategically sit behind the bigger women in order to be slightly less conspicuous (impossible.)

Just because they’re women doesn’t mean they take soccer lightly.
After 30 minutes, a man stands up and makes a long speech in Tshivenda. I don’t speak any Tshivenda but for some stupid reason I tend to act like I can understand things that are going on even though I obviously don’t. I don’t like looking clueless even when I always am. So I’m just constantly imitating the people around me when they laugh or frown thoughtfully or whatever during public speeches. At the end the man switches to English and addresses me directly in front of everyone. He tells me that I should not be afraid because no one will hurt me. Which… okay, his concern for me was actually sweet, but it’s a little like when someone asks, “So when did you stop beating your wife?” I wanted to turn to the crowd (99% old lady) and be like: “… I didn’t think you would hurt me!”
He then passed out an agenda: 15 inscrutable items, not one of them seemed to mention soccer. There was some unhappy grumbling from my team. I made a few casual comments: “This is crazy! We should totally just leave. Haha, right? I mean, I’m kidding, but not really. Let’s go.” Unfortunately, everyone ignored my subtle hints and settled in for the long haul.
While another speech went on, some VIP-looking folks filed in. Men in Western clothing sat at the head table. Women in very fancy Tshivenda dress sat on grass mats in front of the table. Someone presented them with calabashes. I’m told these people are Venda royalty. Normally that might be really cool. In this circumstance I was increasingly thinking, “What is going on.”

That’s not how vuvuzelas work, kid.
Next, representatives of the local ANC show up. It becomes increasingly clear that this is some kind of ANC rally. Volunteers are strictly barred from engaging in any political activity, especially attending a political rally. Dun dun dun. I instantly stop imitating everyone around me – they’re all doing pro-ANC cheers at this point – and begin trying to psychically radiate the impression of politely interested detachment. Yes, I am in no way a part of this event that I’m currently attending! Just here on the ground, minding my own business, dunno where this political rally came from!
It was working fine, until the announcer gestured to me. “I’m told we have a visitor from America!” He said magnanimously. “Please come join us at the table!”
“Ha ha ha, hi everyone! Glad to be here! That’s really okay, you don’t need—“ I said as my teammates pushed me forward.
“We insist!”
This is how I found myself sitting between representatives from the ANC and the Venda chieftaincy. Let’s review what everyone else is wearing: immaculate formalwear. Let’s review what I’m wearing: clothes you would paint a house in. South Africans are very particular about clothing, and I’m suddenly feeling very Lady Macbeth about all the bleach spots on my shorts. I don’t know Venda traditions very well, but at one point there was a guy standing up there with a literal scepter. And someone was speaking for him, from an unrolled scroll of paper. This was some seriously royal shit going down.

Ma Shivambu taking a breather after some serious hustling.
I clutched onto the only tradition I knew like a drowning woman being offered… I don’t know, some tradition that would stop her from drowning. In Venda, the most respectful greeting/gesture a woman can do involves lying down on the ground and clasping your hands like you’re miming going to sleep. I remember when our language tutors first showed us this, we were like: “What.” But now I was all about it. Since I was seated I just had to lean over and clasp my hands. Thank god I knew that and could do it with everyone else during appropriate times throughout the ceremony. I would have planked the whole time if I thought it’d help. Looking extra respectful of African tradition was the only thing working in my favor.
You see, during the ANC’s parts of the program, there were a lot of pauses during which you could jump up and cheer for them. It was like the State of the Union, that’s how many positive-reinforcement breaks there were. I clapped politely and tried to maintain my façade of impartiality, but since I was sitting at the head table, it was rather obvious that the only white person around wasn’t as enthusiastic as everyone else. Awkward.

A team in traditional Venda dress.
“This is great,” I jovially tried to explain to my neighbor when he told me I should get up and dance the official ANC dances. “But I work for the American government! I can’t get involved in local politics! Shame, sorry!” He couldn’t hear me because of the loud music, and gave me a confused look. Meanwhile an ANC official held a camera one foot from my face, taking pictures of the Very Important Lady Sitting at the VIP Table Who Clearly Is Not Just Here to Play Soccer.
I suppose I could have just joined into the political dances, but I’m a stubborn ass and by this point, I was just SUPER grumpy. I know everyone meant well, but this just wasn’t how I planned to spend the day. So most of my energy was spent smiling politely and trying to figure out what was going on. Look – imagine you’re tricked into attending a rally for, say, the Republican Party. Or whatever. And you don’t speak English, but they remove you from your friends who are sometimes translating for you and make you sit on stage as an honor. And then they’re like: “dance monkey dance!” Um… no, I’m good.

Local boys skipping school to watch the game.I like that men and boys here are comfortable being affectionate with their friends.
In an awesome surprise, after a few more hours of speeches, someone brought out soccer jerseys and another team started playing. Soccer!!! I had given up all hope! Let’s DO this! It turned out S.O.P. is to change into jerseys there, so I definitely could have worn normal clothing. Oh me.
Let’s review: my team is for older women. I’m an aberration; the next youngest woman there that day was definitely twice my age. We barely even practice. Our opposing team? Hardcore 20-somethings who clearly practiced religiously. I may have been one of two people on our team who can run, but I am not fit. So I am hustling, because I love my teammates and want us to win, but it is painful. The other team was transparently mocking us. But it was fine, it was fun. I was playing really hard.

Cheering on our teammates.
Review again: I only brought 1l of water. The boys from Bungeni sneakily drank all of it while we were busy being bored by speeches. It was summer. During halftime, I asked if anyone else brought water. I got blank looks. No one else brought any. There was no water anywhere. I began dying. Everyone thought I was crazy for being so parched and sweaty. White people are weird.
So, I peeled my sweaty self off the field and jog over to ask the crowd. I didn’t know anyone there, and they were all supremely amused at my existence. I couldn’t think of anything else but water. “Ni kombela mati? Does anyone have water? Seriously, I really need some. Please.” Blank stares. Everyone clearly thought I was an insane person. Finally some kind soul sent some kids to grab a glass of water from a nearby house. Drinking random water in Africa is a gamble, people, but I would have drunk that water even if it were 50% amoeba.

A traditional pose, plus soccer ball.
My team all worked really hard during the game, and we lost. MISERABLY. But instead of being upset we were all just giddy and happy. Endorphins? Dehydration? We ate big plates of food and took photos and bitched about how ridiculous the matchup was. It was a bonding moment. On the way back everyone on our team was just honking away on the vuvuzelas out the window like crazy people, which made kids cry, but who cares. We were just exhausted and happy to make noise. It was a blast. We got back sometime after sunset.

Ma Grace (standing) selling some portraits she took at the last game.
There you go. This is weirdly one of my fondest memories, but it is also a cautionary tale, dear readers. I learned an important lesson from this experience. It’s always good to bring extra water? Brush up on the neighboring tribe’s language? Noooo: Always dress as if you’re going to be the guest of honor for the local tribal authority or ruling political party, even when you’re about to play a soccer match.
I’m not very good at learning lessons.